Common Questions to Ask Your Surrogate: Building a Strong Relationship From the Start

Embarking on a surrogacy journey is a life-changing experience—one built on trust, empathy, and shared purpose. Whether you’re preparing to meet your surrogate for the first time or are already matched, thoughtful communication lays the foundation for a successful and emotionally fulfilling relationship.

Here are key questions to ask your surrogate that can help align expectations, deepen your connection, and ensure everyone feels supported throughout the journey.

Why Did You Decide to Become a Surrogate?

This question offers insight into your surrogate’s personal motivation and emotional readiness. Every surrogate’s story is unique—some are inspired by a desire to help others, while others may have witnessed friends or family struggle with infertility.

Understanding what led her to this path opens the door to a more meaningful connection and creates space for mutual respect and gratitude.

What Are Your Hopes and Expectations for This Journey?

Surrogacy is deeply personal. It’s essential to discuss your surrogate’s expectations around her role, the relationship with you, and what a successful journey looks like from her perspective.

Consider discussing:

• The level of involvement she hopes for from intended parents
• The kind of support or interaction she values
• Boundaries that will help her feel comfortable and respected

Having this conversation early helps prevent misunderstandings and builds a foundation of shared values.

What Kind of Support Do You Have—and What Do You Need?

A strong personal support system is essential for any surrogate. Ask about the emotional and practical support she has from friends, family, or a partner, and how she navigates challenging moments.

Also ask:

• How can we support you emotionally during this journey?
• Are there specific ways we can help ease stress or provide reassurance?

This shows your commitment to her well-being and reinforces that you’re in this together.

What Are Your Preferences for Birth and Post-Birth Plans?

Discussing the birth plan early helps ensure everyone feels informed and prepared. Your surrogate may have preferences for how the birth unfolds, who is present in the room, and how she envisions the delivery experience.

Key topics to cover:

• Type of delivery she prefers (natural, C-section, etc.)
• Presence and involvement of intended parents during delivery
• Any time she would like with the baby after birth
• Emotional support she may need post-birth

These conversations can create clarity and emotional comfort for both parties.

What Level of Communication Feels Comfortable for You?

Clear, respectful communication is one of the most important aspects of a successful surrogacy relationship. Ask your surrogate how frequently she’d like to be in touch, and in what ways.

Would she prefer:

• Weekly updates or check-ins?
• Text messages, emails, or scheduled calls?
• More connection around medical milestones and less in between?

Aligning on this early ensures that communication feels respectful, consistent, and meaningful.

Do You Have Any Financial Concerns or Questions?

Surrogates receive compensation for their time, effort, and the physical toll of the process. But finances can still be sensitive to navigate without open dialogue.

Ask:

• Are there any concerns or questions about compensation or covered expenses?
• Is there anything unclear about the payment schedule or reimbursed costs?

The agency should handle these discussions clearly and professionally, but ensuring your surrogate feels informed and secure reinforces transparency and trust.

How Involved Would You Like Us to Be During the Pregnancy?

While some intended parents prefer to be closely involved—attending appointments, sharing in milestones—others take a more hands-off approach. Likewise, every surrogate has her own preferences.

Ask:

• Would you like us to attend appointments when possible?
• How can we best support you during key stages of the pregnancy?

This is about striking a balance between presence and respect.

Would You Like to Stay in Touch After the Birth?

Some surrogates and intended parents maintain contact long after the baby is born. Others feel closure once the journey is complete. There is no right or wrong approach, only what works best for you and your surrogate.

Ask:

• Are you open to ongoing updates or occasional contact after the baby is born?
• What type of communication would feel meaningful to you post-delivery?

Setting expectations now helps create a smooth transition after birth.

What’s Been the Most Fulfilling Part of Being a Surrogate?

This thoughtful question can deepen your emotional connection. Many surrogates find joy in witnessing the moment intended parents become a family—and in knowing they played a vital role in creating that joy.

Learning what she values about the experience helps you celebrate those moments together, and reminds both parties of the deeper “why” behind the journey.

Surrogacy is built on communication, trust, and shared intention. Asking thoughtful, compassionate questions helps strengthen your relationship with your surrogate and creates a more unified, respectful journey.

Whether you’re early in the matching process or preparing for delivery, these conversations can guide you toward a partnership grounded in mutual care.

Want to learn more about matching or the surrogacy process?
Read more about finding a surrogate here and matching here.