Should We Tell Loved Ones We’re Using an Egg Donor

Politics, religion, the economy, sexuality, and the environment.

If reading those words gives you anxiety, you’re not alone. They are among the most heated discussed topics. And the issues that should be avoided at the dinner table if you want to remain on good terms with those you love.

Another topic that is usually avoided? Family planning.

When and how a couple decides to start a family is no one’s business but their own. We’ve all had to dodge noisy questions from family members who want to know precisely when we are having the next baby.

But what about when that baby is coming from an egg donor? Do your loved ones have a right to know about the DNA of your baby?

Why We Withhold Information

For many intended parents, their default decision is to keep the baby’s origin private. But why? Why are most people hesitant to share the details of their family?

Let’s first get to the root of the problem. Many people withhold information regarding their infertility and family planning due to fear that usually stems from a sense of shame. Shame that they are not able to naturally conceive a child. 

Let’s be clear: There is no shame in wanting to bring a child into this world. Whether by IVF, egg donor, or surrogate, the child is still yours at the end of the day. 

Here are some reasons why we might not want to share the details regarding the child’s conception:

  • Fear that family and friends will treat a child differently if they are not 100% related.

  • Fear that the older generation will not accept the child into the family.

  • Fear that others may say something to the child makes them feel less or not an equal part of the family.

  • Fear that the child won’t get an equal part of the inheritance.

  • Having to listen to certain religious beliefs that may not align with the scientific technology that is available.

As shown, the reasons why people don’t share is usually out of fear. They are worried their families won’t’ accept the child. And while we understand the deep love that we all have for our families, there comes a time when couples need to consider their family unit first. 

This means they need to do what is best for them, and not worry about what judgemental Aunt Sally may or may not accept. If individual members of your family can’t accept the child, then they don’t deserve to be a part of the child’s life. And that is their loss. 

Why we Should Tell

At Elevate Egg Donor Agency, we encourage our intended parents to be upfront and honest about their children’s conception from the very beginning. 

Here is a quick list of why we think it’s vital to tell loved ones of using an egg donor:

  • First and foremost, the child has the right to know where he came from. If you tell the child, then try to keep it secret from everyone else, the child may start to feel shame about his conception

  • It’s almost impossible to keep family secrets. We’ve learned that secrets tend to come out no matter how well they are guarded. And the older the secret, the more hurtful they become. 

  • Being open about your child’s conceptions shows that you are not ashamed of your choices and are proud of your child no matter how he was conceived.

  • Anyone close to the child must know any significant medical history that could be vital in an emergency. This includes any family history from the donor.

Your Baby, Your Choice

At the end of the day, it is up to you to decide who knows all the details regarding your baby’s conception. But remember that at some point, the baby will need to know where they came from. It’s their right to know who their biological parents are. 

With DNA testing, it’s almost impossible to keep their genes and DNA makeup a secret. That’s one reason why we encourage parents to be upfront from the beginning. The truth will eventually come out.

If you are looking for someone to talk to about egg donors or how to navigate the world of alternative family planning, we can help. We have helped countless couples on their way to becoming parents. Let us help you.   


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